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From the wonderful travel journalist – Travels with Anthony… 

Let’s face it; most regular cruise passengers see themselves as quite savvy, sophisticated souls. People who know best just what they want, and how to get the best of what they have.

However, even the sagest, most urbane sybarites can still sometimes trip over themselves when it comes to seeking out a true cruising nirvana. And, while getting it completely right is far from being an exact science, there are certain, unmistakable tell tale signs that you have actually got it horribly, horribly wrong.

I will list some of these below…..

1. You keep tripping over the captain’s guide dog

2. The band on the quayside plays ‘Nearer my God to Thee’ as you set sail

3. The rats on board wear gas masks, and complain about the quality of passengers at Reception

4. The on board dance hosts are called Gomez and Morticia

5. The deck chairs all come plugged into sockets, and come with a 20,000 volt charge, accessed via a slot meter

6. The on board cabaret singers are so bad that the drinks glasses throw themselves from the shelves whenever one goes near a microphone

7. The ship’s doctor sacrifices live chickens on deck at sunset every day

8. The captain and the harbour pilot greet each other with cries of ‘Banzai!’

9. You cannot tell the difference between the milled soup in your bathroom, and the creme brûlée in the dining room

10. Lifeboat drill is exactly that; all of the lifeboats have been drilled full of holes….

11. Sharks spit the food scraps from the waste pipes back at the passengers on deck

12. Icebergs are given warning of your approach, and are advised to move out of your way

13. The casino pays out winners in Confederate currency

14. Morning coffee is siphoned straight out of the oil tanks. Untreated….

15. A squadron of buzzards does a conga round the swimming pool just before sailing

17. The captain’s cocktail party is held in one of the lifeboats. Just in case….

18. The cruise director is called Damien, and his mobile phone number is 666

19. The on board enrichment lecturer is thicker than a whole plate of whale sandwiches, glued to a very thick plank, and then nailed to an even thicker castle wall

20. The repeat passengers party is held in one of the cabanas…..

These are just some of the ways in which a fabulous trip can fold into the equivalent of Fawlty Towers at sea. For, whatever as yet unseen terrors may reside in the trackless deep, true, ocean going horror is often much closer to the surface than we like to think.

Be afraid, dear reader. Be very, very afraid….. 

Ponders top tip! – Book with an experienced travel agent who can ensure that you book the right cruise for you. So you have the holiday that dreams are made of!  

Contact us on 01954 232802 | [email protected] 


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